


If Anything, Call Yourself a Dumpster

by A_Graph_You_Look_At



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Crack, I hate myself for this, M/M, Many swears, Swearing, Voicemails, et tu izzy, i am very proud, i wrote this at 3 am and i am not proud, magnus fucks up, timestamps, you're not trash you're lovely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 14:56:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5875153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Graph_You_Look_At/pseuds/A_Graph_You_Look_At
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hey, Izzy.  If I got Alec a shirt that said 'Cum Dumpster' on it, do you think he would wear it?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Anything, Call Yourself a Dumpster

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 3 am after a horrible conversation with a friend, and I hate myself for it. There's a line somewhere, and I can't even tell anymore whether or not I've crossed it.

_ Friday 7:36 pm _

 

“Alec, come out.  I want to see it!”  Magnus leaned against the door separating his bedroom from the en suite bathroom.  He could hear muffled thumps and the rustle of fabric through the door.

 

“No!”  

Magnus rolled his eyes and picked at the chipping nail polish on his pointer finger.  “I got it for you, the least you could do is let me see you wearing it.”  There was silence from the other side of the door. 

 

“Magnus, I swear on the Angel, if I open the door to you taking a picture, I am leaving and taking the Chairman with me.”  Magnus scoffed to himself.  As if the Chairman would choose Alec over him.  However, Alec  _ was _ the one who got up early to feed the little bastard...

 

“Alec, I promise to you, I will not exploit this highly exploitable moment.  No matter how much I want to.”  He may have mumbled the last bit.  Magnus waited as time went by without a response.  He felt the doorknob start to turn and stepped away from the door, holding his breath.  Alec opened the bathroom door.

  
  


_ Friday 2:47 pm _

 

_ “Hey, Izzy, if I got Alec a shirt that said Cum Dumpster on it, do you think he would wear it?” _

  
  


_ Friday 7:45 pm _

“MAGNUS, I AM NOT WEARING THIS IN PUBLIC!”

 

“But, darling, it fits you so well!”  

 

“Magnus,” Alec said, collecting himself and speaking more calmly than he had in the last ten minutes.  “Magnus, I am not wearing this shirt in public for three reasons.”  Magnus tried his best to keep a straight face while his boyfriend listed the reasons on his fingers. “One, it is two sizes too small.  Two, it doesn’t even have sleeves.  Hell, it doesn’t even cover my belly button!”

 

“And the third reason?”  Magnus was biting his lip to keep from laughing.

 

“Magnus, the third reason is that it has the words Cum Dumpster fucking  _ bedazzled _ on the front.”

  
  


_ Friday 3:12 pm _

 

_ “Izzy, it’s Alec.  Are you okay?  Magnus said he called you not too long ago, and since then Jace has sent me three texts saying that you’re scaring him.  Just, call me back.  I’m concerned.” _

  
  
  


_ Friday 7:52 pm _

 

“Would you rather it say Semen Depository?”

“I’m taking the Chairman.”

  
  
  


_ Friday 5:26 _

_ “Hey, Alec, my man..ly man, it’s Simon!  Um, so, I was supposed to hang out with your sister today in, like, a totally innocent way, but when I asked her where we were gonna meet she just sent me four snapchats in a row of her laughing maniacally?  And I’m kind of scared?  I was just calling you to check if you’ve heard from her, slash to ask if she’s been possessed.  Anyway...yeah.  Bye.” _

  
  
  


_Friday_ _8:30 pm_

 

“Alec, please.”

“No.  Leave me here to die.”

“Alec, please, it was just a joke.  I was just trying to make it better.”

Alec’s voice, muffled under the multitudinous blankets and pillows he had buried himself in, was scathing.  “Making yourself yoga pants that say Alec’s Cum Dumpster on the ass  _ is not making it better _ .”

  
  


_ Friday 6:17 pm _

_ “Alec.  It’s Luke.  Garroway.  Is there any reason why Isabelle just texted me a sound file titled “30 seconds of uninterrupted screaming”?  It didn’t sound like screams of pain, but I wanted to keep you in the loop.  Let me know if I can help.” _

  
  
  


_ Friday 9:13 pm _

“Magnus, don’t call yourself  _ trash _ ...if anything, call yourself a fucking  _ dumpster _ .”

  
  
  


_ Friday 7:03 _

_ “Remember how much I love you, brother.” _

  
  
  


_ Friday 9:26 _

 

“Magnus, please come out of the bathroom.”  Alec sat on Magnus’ huge bed, surrounded by the fallout of a Magnus Bane level tantrum.  There was a lot of glitter.  And feathers.  A faint meow came from near Alec’s feet, and he felt the brush of soft fur against his ankles.  “Magnus, even the Chairman is worried.”  He was met with silence.  Alec sighed and stood up, walked cautiously to the bathroom door.  

“Magnus, I’m coming in.”  Still no response.  Alec turned the handle and held his breath, expecting the worst.

“Oh god, don’t look at me.”  Magnus was sprawled on the marble tiled floor of the ridiculously large bathroom, face-up with eyes unseeing and hair that deserved better than to be ruined by such a floor.  “I’m a dumpster.  I’m trash.  I’m unworthy of forgiveness”

 

Alec opened his mouth, but closed it when no words came.  He knelt carefully next to his boyfriend and put a hand on his cheek, making Magnus look at him.  “You are worthy of forgiveness.  And I forgive you.”  Magnus looked like a kicked puppy.  But a puppy that had already recovered from the accidental kick and was just begging for treats at this point.  Alec rolled his eyes and gave in.  

 

“And you’re not trash.  You’re lovely.”

  
  


_ Saturday 1:17 am _

_ “Et tu, Izzy?” _

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me up. If you prompt me with something bullshit like this, I'll probably write it.


End file.
